


which one is me?

by imoaky



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Friendship, Gen, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Kayano and Sugino friendship is strangely nonexistant, Kayano is Akari is Haruna but also none of then, Male-Female Friendship, and it's a problem, i also don't know, i have no idea how to comfort people you can thank wikipedia for Sugino's comforting skills, my apologies if this is inaccurate, that Sugino wants to help her solve because friendship, why am i still here?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25139218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imoaky/pseuds/imoaky
Summary: the story of how Akari Yukimura created Haruna Mase, how the two of them created Kayano Kaede, and want to figure out which one she actually is with the help of Sugino the Very Good Friend
Relationships: Kayano Kaede & Sugino Tomohito
Kudos: 9





	which one is me?

Akari is nine and Aguri and her manager are sitting with her at a table. 

“Akari, we want to protect you, okay?” Her manager says, smiling nicely at her. “There might be some people who will want to hurt you because you’re a child actress, so we’re going to make a character for you to play when you’re out in public as an actress,”

Akari nods and Aguri opens an empty blue notebook to its first page. “What do you want your stage name to be?” Aguri asks, and the three of them begin making Akari’s new character.

They pick Haruna for her first name, after one of Aguri’s students who likes to give Akari candy and play with her and saved her when a stranger had tried to take her hand and pull her into a bus with them. Akari likes sharing something with her. Her manager asks if they can give her the last name Mase, after a book character who looks like Cinderella, one of Akari’s favorite fairy tales.

Haruna’s favorite foods are crepes and fried rice. She’s gullible and lets other people approach her first. She claps her hands when she’s excited. She fiddles with her clothes and tablecloths and other soft things when she’s nervous. Haruna hates ghost stories, but loves ambiguous endings. Haruna wears her hair in a braid over her shoulder. 

Haruna is almost nothing like Akari, and that makes her fun to pretend to be.

Akari likes ice cream and ramen. She makes the first move to befriend people, and keeps a careful eye on others in case they’re lying. She clings onto the arm of whoever she’s closest to when she’s excited. She runs her fingers over stones she hides in her pocket because the rough surface feels satisfying when she’s nervous. Akari likes murder mystery stories and rollercoasters. She wears her hair down, falling over her back.

She writes down who Akari is in the notebook too, so she can tell the difference between the two better.

Writing a new character, fleshing them out, pretending to be them, it’s all exhilarating for little Akari, and she loves being shy, sweet Haruna in the public eye. It’s full of possibilities, full of new thoughts and perspectives that the confident, determined Akari Yukimura doesn’t have. 

But even as Haruna becomes part of her, just like Akari is, the two of them never really mix. Clapping excitedly is only part of Haruna, and the satisfying feeling of rough surfaces belongs solely to Akari. But it’s okay. They are both a part of her, even if they aren’t part of each other.

~

Akari is fourteen, Haruna is fifteen, and she is sitting alone at the table.

She wants to avenge Aguri, so she has to make a new character to make sure she stays flying under the radar.

Her pen scratches the name Kayano Kaede down in a faded blue notebook, and she starts to envision the new character she’ll play.

Kayano loves pudding, so much that no one will suspect it’s from any outside force. She’s friendly and doesn’t mind starting the conversation to get information from more sources. She’s cheerful and kind to keep her thirst for vengeance out of mind. Kayano is passive over so many things, but stands firmly and tenaciously for what she’s passionate about, so no one will suspect her other passions that she doesn’t talk about outright. She taps her feet rhythmically when she’s happy. She talks faster when she’s feeling anxious. 

Akari will avenge her sister, and Haruna will avenge her best supporter.

She thinks of this when she dyes her hair green and ties it up into Kayano’s pigtails.

~

She’s in the hospital, and the realization of how wrong she is hits her like a brick. A brick that was launched by a cannon. And set on fire.

Her eyes tear up as she thinks of (Kayano’s? Akari’s? Haruna’s?) thirst for revenge.

The first tear falls as someone knocks on her doors. “Kayano?” Sugino calls out quietly through the door. “I’m coming in, okay?” About a minute later, he opens the door slowly.

“Kayano?” He asks, catching sight of her tears and walking inside. “You seem pretty upset, do you want to talk about it?”

He sounds like Aguri, and she’s not sure if that’s Akari talking about the sister she loved, or Haruna talking about the supporter she had depended on, or Kayano talking about the person she had been created to avenge.

She starts to cry properly, and through the shakiness and ugly sobs it brings, Kayano or Akari or Haruna or all three of them tell Sugino about everything.

Making Haruna Mase’s character with her sister.

Haruna becoming a part of her, but not becoming part of Akari Yukimura.

The confusion she had felt when she couldn’t say which one she really was, even though they weren’t in the same.

Creating Kayano Kaede alone.

Becoming Kayano.

Sugino nods along, paying attention and the distrustful Akari absentmindedly notes that his body language is open and caring and concerned.

“And now I don’t know which one is me,” She says, burying her face into her pillow. “Because I’ve been pretending to be Kayano for so long that I think that I’m actually kind and cheerful, but at the same time I can’t stop fiddling with soft things like Haruna and I still want to cling onto people when I’m happy like Akari, but none of them are the same person, but I want to be all of them,”

Sugino walks towards her tentatively. “Do you want me to say anything?” He asked.

She nods, hugging the soft pillow.

“Putting a label onto who you are or how you’re feeling makes some people feel better, but you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to. It’s fine for you to just be whoever you feel like being without picking a name,” Sugino’s words sound kind, and they are, and Kayano thinks that they sound nice.

“But I want to know who I am. I want to have a name and know if I’m Haruna or Akari or Kayano,” It’s something she’s told herself a lot of times, but at this point she isn’t really sure if they’re still true.

If Sugino knows she might be lying, he doesn’t mention it.

“I’m here for you, okay?” He says. “I’ll help you find a name, and I’ll help you find out who you are, if you want me to,”

“Why do you care?” She bursts out. “You know I’ve lied to you, right? You know that being kind and cheerful was just an act, right? You don’t know me, and I’ve lied to you so, so, much, so why do you still want to help me?”

“Well, it’s either you were kind or you weren’t kind. Maybe you didn’t really want to be nice to me, but you were, and having you as my friend was awesome, you know? You have lied to me a lot, but I still want to be your friend. I’m here for you, okay?”

She wonders how she got such a loyal, genuine person to want to be her friend.

“Okay,”

~

Haruna is the one who invites Sugino to her house, hoping that he really had been being honest, hoping that he really did want to help.

He says yes.

They sit at the table and read through the faded blue notebook and the writing of who Kayano is, who Haruna is, who Akari is. Some parts have been scratched out or written over, because the three of them have changed over the years.

Haruna, Kayano, and Akari take turns telling Sugino about themselves too, showing him their different habits and different speech patterns and different personalities. Sugino listens to them, talking to them like you would to someone you want to befriend. 

He changes a little for each of them too. 

Haruna Mase is childishly shy and gullible, so Sugino is honest and talks more to try helping her out of her shell, keeping the conversation nice and keeping his voice as soft as hers.

Sugino is more sarcastic and chaotic with the tough, thrilling Akari Yukimura, and they become loud and rowdy as they talk.

He talks with Kayano Kaede like she’s an old friend, and they chat about school and their friends. But now that he knows Kayano isn’t really that cheerful, he takes a turn at hyping her up, with words of how she’s the best, lighthearted enough to sound like jokes but genuine enough that Kayano starts feeling truly cheerful.

She lets her classmates continue to call her Kayano, even if she feels more like Haruna or Akari sometimes.

Sugino holds true to his promise, and Akari, Haruna, and Kayano honestly think of him as their best friend.

And maybe they don’t have the answer of who she is yet, but it’s enough for them to have a friend who will be by their side no matter who they are.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! please give me feedback, i wanna know what parts of writing this was right or okay, and what parts i should fix, improve, or get rid of! comments and kudos and loved and appreciated, thanks for reading!


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